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We have been talking about our son and his future, I told her that no matter what happens Hammy and I will be alright and that I will continue to raise him up to be the man she had hoped and dreamed he’d become, I told her she need not worry about us that we’d be okay.
We have been working on her WILL and getting it all in proper order just the way she wants things to be, and this coming week I will drop it off at the lawyers to have it finalized, we are going to the city Tuesday to put me on her bank accounts, just in case, so that I will have access to them should something happen. We are getting everything in order just in case, it is not easy to do all this as it makes the inevitable a stark reality for both her and I.
We have been spending time as a family, Hammy her and I, reassuring her that she is so very loved, and reassuring Hammy that no matter what his Mom will ALWAYS be at his side, he is in pretty rough shape, I have to go to his school Monday and tell them what is happening here at home and to set up counseling for him there, then I have to set up an appointment with his counselor in the city, he hasn’t had to see her since last fall, he needs her now.
I’ve been grieving, I know it may seem odd to you that I would grieve while my wife is still with us, but I can’t help it I LOVE her so very much and the thought of losing her is just too much for me to bare, I’ve had 17 wonderful beautiful years of pure LOVE, JOY and HAPPINESS with her, I will cherish those memories for ever, we have some fantastic memories her and I and we have been talking about them.
Hammy has been rocked to his very soul, the thought of losing his Mother has him at his breaking point, today(Monday) I went with him to his school and had a very tearful conversation with his principle and teachers and asked that they keep an eye on him and let me know if he acts out breaks down or tries to hang himself on the swing set (again) , The school called in a counselor for him and she will see him twice per week, Palliative Care from the Cancer center in Regina is going to send out a music therapist in the evenings to help Hammy, and I called his counselor at Child and Youth services to get him back in there.
I hold Hammy often, just a big bear hug and a kiss on the top of his head while whispering to him just how proud his Mother is of him, I tell him how much she loves him and wants him to continue to grow into a fine young man, I whisper to him just how much I love him and that no matter what he will stay living with me, I tell him how proud of him I am and that yes it will hurt when Mom goes to God, but we will get through it together, I told him we would stay out here in the little village at least until he is a grown man and busy with his career, I keep reassuring him that we will be alright.
Over the weekend I got all the funeral arrangements lined up, the village church waived it’s fees so the service can be held there and the town hall waived it’s fees so the wake can be held there, it was very nice of them to do this for us, words can not express my gratitude, my neighbours has been clearing out my walkway and drive way with their snow blowers keeping everything open in case an Ambulance needs to be called, the village has a 14 person First Responder unit as well so when and if an Ambulance is called the village First Responders would get here first, assess the situation and decide whether the air ambulance is needed or a regular ground ambulance.
The Village has been so very kind and helpful, I can never repay them except by paying it forward, I pick up my wife’s will from the town office tomorrow morning, all 3 Commissioners are signing it for my wife as witnesses, then it’s off to the city to have our Lawyer make it iron clad, and to put my name on my wife’s bank accounts, we are getting everything done now while she is able, she is going down hill really fast, once again she has to sleep on the main floor of the house, I too will sleep in the living room so she is not alone, this morning at 7 am I had to give her 20 mg’s of Morphine, she slept until 10 am , I bathed her and helped her in the washroom then gave her another 20 mgs of Morphine, she drinks Ensure and Boost more than she eats now, she is starting to feel more pain as her lungs begin to collapse, I am not sure how much longer she will be with us, I am not sure how much longer I can bare to see her hurt and struggle, I’m trying my very best to keep her comfortable, she wants to pass at home and I am doing everything I can to see that it happens but if the pain becomes more than the Morphine can manage she may have to go to palliative care, it’s so hard to hear her struggling for breath, it’s not like on tv and in the movies where they just close their eyes and pass peacefully, it is nothing like that at all, the truth is she feels pain fear hurt , the truth is she gasps and struggles for air even on the oxygen machine, the truth is she cries in her drug induced sleep, the truth is she is trying so hard to hang on and the truth is she doesn’t want to die, the truth is she knows she is going to be with God soon, the truth is her heart is breaking because she wont be here for Hammy and I .
The truth is all this is KILLING me, my very soul longs to go with her but the reality is I can’t I need to be here for Hammy, I have hundreds upon hundreds of photos of my wife and of our life together and of our little family, I have so many memories and I try so hard to focus on them but when I do I just break down.
I look at her now and I don’t see a weak frail sick person, I see my Beautiful Darling Angel as Beautiful and as perfect as ever, I see her innocence while she sleeps, I see perfection personified, I see an Angel .
Nothing has been left unsaid between us, she knows she is truly and honestly loved, she knows that Hammy and I will be alright, she knows that Hammy and I will live our lives in a way that will make her proud and honour her.
I will never love again, how could I for she is my soul mate, I am so lucky and blessed to have found my soul mate, most people don’t get to, I could never love another person as much as I love my wife, I will eventually die myself and my life will have been truly blessed and fulfilled , I have a love that is only heard of in fairy tales, I know this and I cherish every moment and every memory we have and have made together, we crammed an entire life time of love laughter and adventures into 17 short years.
So yes I grieve while my wife is still with us, and I will grieve even worse when she is gone, I grieve because I will never again feel her soft loving touch, I grieve because I will never again be able to hold her in my arms and whisper sweet nothings to her, I grieve because I will never see her beautiful sweet smile again, she doesn’t smile often now, I grieve because this is extremely hard on Hammy, I weep for him as he is his Mother’s boy, I grieve because God gave me a true angel then decided to take her away from me again, I grieve because all our hopes and dreams are gone. I grieve because it is killing me to see her suffer and slowly waste away.
I am losing so much more than a wife, I am losing my entire world, this old house is just that an old house without her, my wife makes this old house a home, it doesn’t feel much like a home now, just a place we go to sleep and stay, the warm welcoming feel of the old house is gone now it’s grows a bit colder and a bit more stale and heavy as each day passes.
I am broken now and always will be
Butch
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