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My Darling, I dreamed of you last night, you were walking in a field, your long hair gently blowing in the breeze, you looked so happy and peaceful and perfect, I stood there at the edge of the field unable to move, not wanting to move, just watching you as you skipped and twirled and laughed, I wanted to call your name, I wanted to call out to you to say I am hear my Darling, I am here, but I had no voice, I watched you with the purest of love in my heart and tears in my eyes, I so desperately wanted to hold you in my arms just once more, just for a little while.

Today my heart aches for you, the memories of you cut my very soul, what should be happy memories that comfort only bring sorrow and heart ache, even on better days my Darling, my heart aches and though I smile, it is a hollow sad empty smile, you are always in my heart, my love for you will never fade, nor will my memories of you.

I stopped living the day you passed, I only exist now , I put on a smile and a happy demeanor around our son, sadly he does the same around me as well, we are both deeply wounded and scarred for life, life for us can never be the same, fleeting moments of happiness are quickly followed by sorrow for you’re not here to share the moment with us, we miss you so much.

It has been almost 3 months since you passed, it seems like just yesterday, the pain and sorrow is even greater now, it gets worse not better as time slowly passes, spring has come, your favorite time of the year, spring a time of new life and growth, for me it is a time of sorrow for you are not here to see the beauty that comes with the season, you’re not here to share the new life springing for around me, I see the world in shades of gray now, the world has lost it’s color, it is all black and white now, I see no beauty in the world anymore, only violence strife and sorrow, our little home we built together has lost it’s luster, I look at our home and see a tired old house that is like me, just trying to hang on and cling to memories of happier times, the house is really showing it’s age now, it shows the grief and sorrow inside.

I have a little poem on the wall next to the computer, I don’t know the author, but I read it every day and think of you my Darling, the last line is what I am living for , and for me that day can’t come soon enough.

A limb has fallen from the Family tree.

I keep hearing a voice that says,”Grieve not for me,

Remember the best times,the laughter the song.

The good life I lived while I was strong.

Continue my heritage,I’m counting on you.

Keep smiling and surely the sun will shine through.

My mind is at ease,my soul is at rest.

Remembering all,how I was truly blessed.

Continue traditions,no matter how small.

Go on with your life,don’t just stare at the wall.

I miss you all dearly,so keep up your chin.

Until the day comes we’re together again.”

My Darling , though I weep and grieve please know that Hammy and I are alright, we are hurt,but we will go on, we are looking after each other with a level of love and mutual understanding that most can’t understand, though my soul is in great pain, I will carry on and fulfill my promise to you, I will raise our son to be the man you have always hoped and dreamed he’d be.

Darling please watch over us and guide us down the right path, guide me in raising our son , guide him and keep him safe for he is all I have left in this world now, help me keep him safe.

Darling, again I must thank you with all my heart for loving me, for making me the happiest and luckiest person in the world, for 18 years of pure love and wedded bliss, for giving me a son and for allowing me to raise him as my own, thank you Darling for all the beautiful memories you helped me create, thank you for opening my eyes to the beauty in nature, thank you for helping me to learn and grow as a person, thank you for helping me find myself, thank you for teaching me how to love and be loved, and most importantly thank you for being you.

If I had it to do all over again , I wouldn’t change a single thing, Darling you were more than just my wife, you were my very best friend and my soul mate, and know that I love you then, now and for all eternity, I miss you my Darling, I miss you so very much.

I must go now Darling, I’d like to stay and talk to you for ever and I don’t want to go, but I must go for now , just know that I love you and I miss you .

Love always and forever

L (Butch)

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